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i have a zit

Posted traci on November 15th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 2 Comments »

and it triggered some emotional trauma for me this afternoon. Gaahh!

When I was 14, I began my freshman year of high school at a new school. On crutches. With a broken hip.  I had entered puberty two years earlier and my teenager-y hormones were running amuck. I had acne. The. Worst. Acne. Imaginable.

Enter George H, Brad G and Richard B. I’d really like to publish their entire names here and their addresses as well. The truth is, I would hate to have some kind of legal repercussions from doing so and suppose, just suppose, someone were to perform say, a google search or something and find themselves here. That would be No Bueno for sure so I’m not doing it. But let’s be clear. It’s for my safety and feelings of well being and not theirs.

One day during the freshman year from hell, shortly after I’d ditched my crutches, these three boys cornered me in a hallway at our school. Next to the wall of lockers so there was no way out. I was short. They were tall. I was ugly. They were pretty boy jocks. And assholes. On this particular day, these particular boys backed me into a corner and said many horrible things to me. I honestly do not remember most of them. Thank. Gawd.

What I do remember is this. These boys told me that I was too ugly to live. They also informed me that while I was on my way home from school on this particular day, they were going to follow me and kill me because as they’d mentioned, I was simply too ugly to live. They laughed. Loudly. And then. The bell rang. And we all went to class. They went laughing. I went terrified. Terrified to speak. Terrified to move. Terrified to leave school to walk home. Terrified to stay.

Some girls I’d met at the Kingdom Hall and gotten to know since we’d moved to this town my mother had grown up in, saw me and asked what was wrong. I told them. What else was I going to do? I couldn’t walk alone and I could not call my mother to come get me either. Ohgawd, that would have been even more horrifying. My mother. At the school. Grilling me. No flipping way.

These girls walked me home. They stayed so close to me. I was still scared. But they took me all the way home and waited until I got inside. I remember absolutely nothing after that except for a few minutes at the dinner table when my dad asked me what was wrong. I don’t remember what I told him but I do remember that something he said made me tell him he could not come to school. That’s it. That’s all I remember.

Today I said something like “Gah, I have a zit!” My husband came in to tease me and then tell me he couldn’t even see it. I mentioned being “too ugly to live” in high school; he said “who would say that to you?” I replied without even thinking “George H, Brad G and Richard B.” I didn’t realize how close to the surface those boys still are. When I noticed the tears in my eyes, I knew I needed to pay attention.

Is it wrong that after high school, when I heard that Richard B had been in a logging accident and was paralyzed on his right side, I felt nothing except gratitude? I heard once that one of those boys was in jail and I have never heard anything about the other one. Never. One. Word. And yet. I can still see them. Still hear them. Still remember them.

Fuck.

obama

Posted traci on November 5th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 2 Comments »

Well, history has been made. I’ll admit, it did give me a chill to witness it. I thought John McCain’s consession speech was eloquent and graceful. I appreciated how he quieted those in the crowd “booing” Obama.

Obama’s speech gave me that tingly down the spine feeling. I am going to admit in this space that I voted for neither main stream candidate. McCain and Palin scared me and there is just something about Obama that creeps me out a bit. That said, it was quite something to have a front seat to history in the making and I sincerely hope Mr Obama can accomplish even half of what he hopes to.

I worry though. For many reasons.

First, I am a worrier. I wonder if, given my history, it’s possible to be anything else. I try not to worry. I really do. My anxiety levels tell me I’m not very good at it. I worry that someone, somewhere will do something to hurt Mr Obama. I mean, think about it. Last night, the news people were comparing him to JFK and talking about Camelot and on and on…it’s a worry.

Second, I grew up in a religious organization that believes certain things in history are destined to happen in a certain way. When those things have all happened, the “end” will come. When I say end, I mean, the lives of all who do not serve the god these people worship will be over. God will kill them. Because they didn’t do what he told them to do and it won’t be unloving either because those people had plenty of warning. Centuries of warning.

During Obama’s speech last night he said something along the lines of “to those looking for peace and security, we will support you”. Those were definite chill inducing words. Examine the tenets of the religion I grew up in and you will have a clearer understanding of my fears.

Third, daughter #2 called last night crying. In relief over the election. And also to tell me she was worried that now she’d have nothing left to protest. How sweet is that? This girl who is nearly 19 touches my heart in ways I can’t explain.

There is more…alot more…but I have to get ready for work. Today I will attempt to marshall my thoughts (and thus my feelings) in a different direction. It is difficult as I’m truly struggling with my depression at this time. Overwhelmed doesn’t begin to cover it. I keep hoping for a miracle. I find myself wondering if I really believe in them…sigh…

what to say

Posted traci on October 14th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 2 Comments »

So, here I am again. I have no idea what to write but I feel the need to do it anyway. I’m avoiding work right this moment and my boss is gone to a doctor appointment so I can for a bit. I delivered daughter #2 to college a few weeks ago. I can’t believe two of my babies are on their way. Daughter #1 is a senior in college but still has to do her student teaching after this year is over so she won’t graduate until next winter. Still…it’s amazing. Daughter #3 will be 16 in 9 days. She is so excited. Not to be 16, but to have her killer party with her best friends. She’s already started decorating our house. No sweet 16 allowed. You will be momentarily frowned upon by the birthday girl. She put those words on the invitations. Funny, funny girl. What do I want out of my life? It’s a dilemma as usual. I’m afraid. I’m afraid I will become my mother. I see her; feel her in so many things I do. It’s like she’s everywhere and yet nowhere. Sad and comforting at the same time. I managed to keep the heat on this morning. Thank god for that check. It’s getting cold here and it would have been very cold in the house tonight if it hadn’t arrived. Priorities. Pay nothing until absolutely required. Hanging on for dear life. Is anyone else depressed as hell about the election? Does anyone else hear a word I’m saying? I just feel as if it’s all pointless. None of those people, those candidates gives a damn about me or you for that matter. Nothing they do is going to affect me directly. I’m one of the “have nots” don’t you know and the “have nots” don’t matter. Politics is about power. I have no affect on that one way or the other. I got an email from my cousin last week. This cousin in still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. She told me that she would see my parents when they were resurrected and I wouldn’t. A real, thumb your nose, cruel thing to say if you ask me. How christian and how likely to make me return to the fold right? I purchased cancer insurance two weeks ago. The wonder of payroll deduction. I received my card yesterday and holy…I started crying. I’m working so hard to be responsible and take care of myself and my daughters and yet, I wanted to send that card and that policy straight back where it came from. I thought of my mom again and wondered how it is that she could have spent so much time dying and being terrified and so little time thinking about how it would all affect me…her only child. I think of my children in everything. Even though they are almost grown, I think “How would this have affected me if my mom did it when I was their age?” I think of those things. Why didn’t my mom? It goes around in my head like that quite often. Gah! Enough already. Until next time…peace.

procrastinators unite…

Posted traci on October 10th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 2 Comments »

tomorrow.

My youngest daughter has a shirt with that saying on it. It makes me smile everytime I see it. I procrastinate when I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed alot.

I’ve got nothing witty, or funny, or inspiring, or well, anything. I’ve got my life as it is right this minute and my life as I hope it is eventually. I’m working at my new job in the school district I work for. It’s not bad. I kind of actually like it better than my other job. Shhh… The one thing I don’t like is that I can’t listen to the radio anymore during the day. I feel cut off from the world. There are no windows to the outside in this office either. That’s the other thing I don’t like. Everything else is fine. There’s certainly not the drama that was present constantly in my other office and that alone is worth not having a window to the outside world. It’s not, however, quite worth not having a radio…ah well…so I’ve been here a month. It goes fast.

Today I have another appointment with the surgeon who did my hand surgeries. He says I’m not supposed to have any more pain of any kind in my hands. Guess what? I do. It’s a different pain but it’s pain none-the-less. So, back I go. Yikes.

The worker’s compensation management company my employer uses sucks. That is the nicest thing I can come up with to type in this space. I’ve been going around and around with them about getting paid for being off work due to my work related injury. Three weeks of daily phone calls and cursing and on and on… the check showed up yesterday. After the pay or quit letter came from my car loan company. After the satellite company turned off my tv. After the car insurance got canceled. After the garbage truck drove by my house without taking my trash because, lo and behold, they actually like to receive money for their services. The list goes on and on.

I will be digging out of this hole for many months to come. The credit rating I worked so hard to get out of the toilet when my ex husband left, is possibly even lower than that now. I’d like to say it’s upsetting however I’m so far past upset that I don’t feel much now. I’m either numb or in tears or sleeping. I bring myself to read the news every few days and all I can think is “WTF? Why is the government bailing out billion dollar companies who then go on resort vacations and I can’t even get help to pay my trash bill so I don’t end up living in a garbage dump? How is this right?” Then I get disheartened and refuse to read anymore news for days.

I know things will change. They always do. We all have our difficult times and we all have good times too. This won’t be my life forever. I will get out of this hole again. I have three amazing, beautiful daughters and a job. So many don’t even have that. I am a good person and I can take care of myself. It doesn’t matter if I feel lower than dirt right now. It will change. Somehow it always does.

I have a friend with a son in Afghanistan. Her daughter-in-law is there too. Her daughter gets deployed in January. To Iraq. I’ve watched these kids grow up. I worry every day. My friend worries every day too. Only she has trouble sleeping on top of it. At least I can sleep. I’m not sure how restful it is but I can sleep. Why are we spending billions of dollars on a war that is not needed when our country is falling into disaster? Why do politicians, the people we elected to do what we want, not listen to us? Why do we let them continue to do that? What is this world coming to?

I could add to this tirade of mine with some examples of the anxiety attacks I have that are triggered by the brainwashing I received as a young child growing up in a controlling religious environment…but I won’t. Just know that my brain constantly tells me ‘this is it, this is the end, you should have listened, now what are you going to do, you’re going to die and it’s going to be ugly and you deserve it, it ’s your fault, you knew better and look, they were right…’

I’ve neglected this spot because it overwhelms me. It overwhelms me to think about what I need to get out of my head. It overwhelms me to focus on it long enough to write it. Today is my attempt to deal with that overwhelmed-ness…even momentarily. Every step forward is a victory I think. Life does, afterall, go on.

Peace.

twenty-five years

Posted traci on September 24th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 3 Comments »

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.

Oddly enough, it’s kind of a bittersweet day for me.

I loved the young man I married. In whatever way an 18 year old young woman can love a 22 year old young man. We made three stunningly beautiful daughters together. I sent my now ex husband a note this afternoon thanking him for them.

Ten years ago today I consulted with an attorney for the first time about my divorce.

Unbelievable how quickly the time has passed. I think this day will always mean something to me.

Peace.

good morning…or something

Posted traci on September 23rd, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 4 Comments »

Well here I am. Back from two hand surgeries and delivering daughter #2 to college. I don’t have too much to say that doesn’t involve whining and freaking out so I’ll just give you the condensed version. My worker’s comp claim has yet to be paid and that has me so far in the hole that even if they pay it now, I’ll be so far under for so long that the odds of me getting my credit fixed anytime soon are slim to none. If there is a kind soul out there in the universe who’d like to help me out with several thousand dollars, I’d be eternally grateful. I won’t have any money until October 31. Geezus. I’ve started a new job with the place I work. It’s alright. I was extremely anxious and it’s doing alright so far. Thank gawd or whomever…  My hands are better in some respects and worse in others. I think it will be a long time before they aren’t sore anymore. It’s hard to rest them. I mean, what do we do that doesn’t involve using our hands? My second daughter left for college the day before yesterday. She is not thrilled. I’m so proud of her though. She called me last night and said she wants to run away and join the circus. I’m to the point where I feel like saying “Hey, whatever makes you happy.” I did tell her finally “Ok, don’t go to college. Now what are you going to do?” She replied that she wanted a college degree so go figure. Ok, that’s all I’ve got.

long time no see

Posted traci on August 18th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 10 Comments »

I’ve been absent, obviously. I’m currently in the midst of recovery from surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. My right hand was repaired last Monday and my left hand will be repaired this Thursday. The procedure is done endoscopically and recovery time is cut in a bit more than half. So, I’m typing today because after Thursday I’ll have a few days with no typing again. I miss blogging and my blogging friends but I’ll be back. Peace.

what would you say…

Posted traci on July 25th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 6 Comments »

Randy Pausch has died. If you don’t know who Randy Pausch is google him right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

So, Randy was a professor at Carnegie-Mellon. He was a husband, father, son, friend, teacher, mentor and inspiration to so many. No, I never met him. I’ll confess that I haven’t even listened to his Last Lecture in it’s entirety because well, because I just haven’t been able to yet.

What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had a chance to sum up everything that was most important to you?

His dreams from childhood included… ”being in zero gravity, playing in the National Football League, authoring an article in the World Book Encyclopedia — I guess you can tell the nerds early. … I wanted to be one of the guys who won the big stuffed animals in the amusement park.” He never played in the NFL but the other dreams he mentioned? He accomplished them.

As I’ve read some of the news today about his life and his passing, I’ve thought about my life and what I want it to look like from here on out. Honestly, I think of these things often however this morning, this week, it’s different. I have a friend who was told on Monday that treatments for her ovarian cancer are not working and she has been encouraged to look into pain management options and hospice. Hard stuff I know. She is not amused. She is not now and has never acknowledged that her life may be ending. She believes firmly in miracles and is convinced that she will have one.

She does not want to even talk about the possibility of dying. I understand that. Just writing the words makes my stomach hurt. If I’d heard them and knew they applied to me, I’d be hysterical I’m sure. She has a website where she keeps all of us updated on her condition and it’s mostly about positive visualizations and stuff like that. That’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for it. Hell, I’ve been doing it along with everyone else who reads her site. I would like this woman to live. The odds of that are small enough to be effectively non-existent.

What does all this have to do with Randy Pausch and his passing onto whatever comes next this morning? After an email conversation with the above mentioned friend this week, dying has been on my mind. Ok, I’ll be perfectly honest and say that dying is often on my mind since the deaths of my parents. I think about what I want my time on earth to look like, what I want my daughters to remember about me, things I want to do and what I’d like to say to all the people I care about and who care about me before it’s too late, before the time is gone, before the words are impossible. 

I didn’t realize just how important this was to me until the day before yesterday during a conversation with another friend about the friend mentioned above. Yea, I know that was quite a convoluted sentence. I broke down sobbing about my mother dying with so much left undone and unsaid because she was too terrified to think about anyone or anything other than that she was dying. My friend’s insistence that she would not die and a miracle would happen totally triggered all those feelings for me. Now today, Randy Pausch is gone.

Two ends of the spectrum. Randy’s way and my friend’s way. How do I want my life to be? What are my dreams? Randy said he’d accomplished most of his childhood dreams. How amazing is that? At 47, that man accomplished most of his boyhood hopes. It got me to thinking about what my childhood dreams were this morning. Do you know what I realized? My one dream during childhood was to be a mother. I did not dream of lots of money or walking on the moon or being on television or any of the usual childhood fantasies. I wanted only to be a mommy.

There are myriads of psychological reasons for that dream I know. I understand where it comes from and all that but what I’m most in awe of is that the dream became a reality for me. It wasn’t simple. I had to go through fertility treatments to get there. The other thing that amazes me right now is that I didn’t have any other dreams. That is sad and yet, eye opening at the same time. It explains so much and can be explained by so many other factors but oh my, it’s big.

The question I’m left with is “Now what?” I don’t even know how to come up with new dreams. My daughters are almost grown. I will always be their mother however they will go on to live their own lives. I am only 43 years old. There is alot of my life left. Hell, I’m going to live to be 100 so I’d better figure out what I want to do with that time. Which brings me right back to the question listed above, the basis for Randy’s Last Lecture:

What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had a chance to sum up everything that was most important to you?

I’ll be thinking about my response to this question over the next few days I’m sure. Tell me, what would YOU say?

7/8/98

Posted traci on July 8th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 5 Comments »

“Give the girls a kiss for me. Tell them I love them. You’re alone now. Goodbye.”

With those words my now ex husband hung up the phone, drove to a local park, swallowed approximately 150 pills and followed them with a 40 ounce beer chaser.

As I just typed those words, they felt so familiar to me. I know I’ve written them alot privately but I couldn’t remember if I’d ever put them in this space. Turns out I have. Two years ago - here.

Obviously, I’ve spent a very long time trying to process this event. As this particular anniversary has approached, I have been moved to examine again the experiences that surrounded this time in my life. It’s been 10 years now. Ten. Years. So much the same and yet, so much different.

July 8, 1998 was a beautiful, sunny day here in my part of the world. Not too hot. Not too cold. Perfect. I remember standing by the sliding glass door to the back yard and hearing my daughters, then 11, 8 and 5, laughing and giggling in the living room. That’s what sticks in my mind as I answered the phone. The sound of my children laughing.

In the months preceding this day, so much had changed for me. My husband and I had been married for almost 15 years. During those years…well, let’s forget about those years for now…since just writing the words “During those years” brought a tear or three. It’s enough to say the years that came before were not always good. Of course, they weren’t always bad either. How does one describe a life shadowed by violence?

Let’s try this another way. In January of 1998, I had breast reduction surgery. It remains, to this day, the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. I would do it again in a heartbeat. In less than a heartbeat to be truthful. I have since gained weight so my breasts are again bigger than I would like however they’re still no where near what I had before and I remember how completely ugly I felt. I bought clothes many sizes too big all the time because I simply could not stand to have people look at me. Or notice me. Or anything.

Up until the day of the surgery, my husband had loudly opposed it. I’d mentioned in the years before that I wanted to have this surgery always to be told “no”. I imagine that now and I wonder why on earth did I think he could tell me what to do? That is, however, a hallmark of abusive relationships. Control. And he had it in spades. Finally, one night after a shower, I walked into our bedroom and said “That’s it. I cannot take it anymore. Tomorrow I am calling the doctor and I am going to have this done.” He just looked at me and said “Ok.” Within three months, the surgery was over and I can’t even explain the change in me.

Two months after the surgery, I got my first tattoo. I know I’ve written here about what this tattoo means to me. Whenever I see the butterfly on my ankle, I am reminded of the transformation it symbolizes. From ugly caterpillar to lovely butterfly. I don’t necessarily feel like a lovely butterfly however the transforming did happen. I wore different clothes, I walked differently, I felt differently.

My husband was not amused.

During the months that followed my surgery, several things changed in our home. Nothing drastic however, for the first time technology entered our lives in the form of a personal computer. I was so technologically dense that my then 11 year old daughter had to show me how to even turn the thing on! It was like an entire new world opened up for me. Imagine my shock when I discovered online support groups for survivors of abuse like me. Holy…it was astounding. Imagine the even more shocking experience of returning home from work to find my husband involved in some online porn filled experience that totally pissed me off because my 5 year old daughter was asleep down the hall and she was not a sound sleeper. The computer was in the kitchen!

During my exploration online, I learned there were so many victims and survivors of childhood abuse in all it’s forms. I mean, I knew I wasn’t the only one but to actually see it with my own eyes was startling and affirming at the same time. I belonged to several message boards that were very helpful and encouraging and I met a woman who touched my heart so strongly. For whatever reason, we connected. We chatted back and forth online for weeks. Her writing was powerful and struck a chord with me. One day we were instant messaging and I mentioned something about visiting the touring Vietnam War Memorial exhibit that was in our town at the time. There was dead silence on the other end. Soon came a message mentioning that perhaps we lived close to each other since she’d seen the same exhibit days earlier. I asked “Where do you live?” not for one moment expecting the reply I got. A full minute later I received the reply that stunned me. She lived in the same city I lived in. AND she was about two miles from where I lived.

After another week or so we arranged to meet at her place of employment. I think she was scared I was some kind of whacko or something and it seemed a safe place. I still can’t believe I went. It was like meeting someone I’d been looking for my whole life. We clicked. Immediately. We are still friends now, 10 years later. We’ve been through alot together and some of it I’m not proud of. I’d never had anyone in my life who was so interested in spending time with me. Never. It was a completely new experience. I would visit her home late at night after my husband was home from work and the girls were asleep. We just talked and talked and talked. One night she had a huge anxiety attack and ended up sleeping on the couch at our house. I slept on the floor next to her because I was worried. My husband knew I was there and was totally understanding about helping a friend. In the morning, my friend woke abruptly and left in a hurry. I thought nothing of it. We all had things to do.

A few nights later, I was visiting and laid down on the bed and fell asleep. I woke to her phone ringing and it was my husband calling to see where the hell I was. I guess I’d been gone longer than I realized. As I was getting ready to leave, my friend stopped me by saying she had something to tell me. She told me that the other morning when she’d left my home abruptly it was because she woke up, watched me sleep and had an orgasm. It freaked her out completely. I hugged her, told her it was ok and one thing led to another and there we were in bed together. I didn’t even feel guilty about beginning an affair with her. What does that say about me? I was still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses at the time, albeit on the outside looking in much of the time. Infidelity was a no-no. I mean, you’re gonna die and all that. BAD. Yes, in capital letters.

My husband had no clue and yet, he did I’m sure. His manic-depressive behavior got worse and I just figured the cycle was in it’s downhill phase. One day I came home from the grocery store to find my oldest daughter with a red mark on her face. Turns out she was in the middle of one of her violent fits and my husband hit her across the face so hard that she fell. The mark was still on her when I returned home an hour later. I didn’t know what to do. Finally I told him that his behavior was not ok and that it was possible that he’d have to leave our home because it was one thing to destroy stuff and entirely another to lay a hand on one of our children.

I find myself wondering now, 10 years later, if I am responsible for his sinking into such despair. If I’d done things differently would the end result have been different? I have to remind myself that we all have choices. We get to choose how we react and what we do with our feelings and yet, I wonder. I am not proud of the fact that I was having an affair. I’d never thought that was possible of me. And yet, there I was. And worse, I was having an affair with a woman. In the eyes of Jehovah, they were both wrong however, the woman thing was worse I think. I mean, I’d heard all my life that homosexuality was wrong, wrong, wrong. Obviously that didn’t sink in too well eh?

I had several conversations with my therapist (who was also my husband’s therapist) about the escalating behaviors that were happening in our home. I finally decided that I would tell my husband he could not continue to live at home until he’d done something about managing his anger. My therapist and I found him a place to live while he was going through classes or whatever and it was close to his job. I made the decision to tell him my decision the day after my birthday. The evening of July 7, I told my husband that it was one thing to be violent with me and entirely another to begin hitting the children. I told him that I couldn’t live with him anymore until he did something about learning to manage his anger. I told him that I’d found a place for him to live that was close to his job so that we could cover all our bases while we were working things out. Never once did I say that our marriage was over.

On the morning of July 8, 1998, my husband got ready for work as usual. I slept in, as usual. Before he left, he came into our room, shook me awake and said “I have to know. Are we over?” I sleepily replied “No, we’re not over. I simply cannot live with you anymore until we’ve figured out this anger thing. It’s not ok to hit the girls.” He left.

He returned home early that day. I was in our bedroom putting away laundry when he came in and locked the bedroom door behind him. I turned and asked “How come you’re home so early?” He went off. He was yelling and punching the walls and basically scaring the bejebees out of me. I could hear our daughters on the other side of our bedroom door yelling and crying for me. I don’t remember the exact words he used, I only remember yelling and wall punching and my girls sobbing for me. I remember also being very calm and replying to whatever he yelled very quietly. I was numb.

When he slammed out of the bedroom and peeled out of our driveway, I gathered my daughters and held them tight. I don’t remember what I said but I do remember that I gave them a treat and settled them in front of the t.v. with a movie. I also remember calling my neighbor and asking if her children could come over and play. Thus the giggling from the living room as I answered the phone when it rang. I was still debating what to do next when I picked it up. I heard the words that have been seared into my memory for all these years since.

“Give the girls a kiss for me. Tell them I love them. You’re alone now. Goodbye.”

words to live by

Posted traci on July 7th, 2008 | Filed under stuff | 1 Comment »

I am currently reading a pretty good book and in this book was a quote that I absolutely love. I’ve been thinking about it all day.

It is unwise to compare our insides to other’s outsides.